Not sure I can do this

Emilee Ellis

I lost my dear friend Emilee Ellis on March 4th at 8 am to mastatic breast cancer. She was 37. She was my next door neighbor, and I first met her when we moved here to Cedar Hills in June 2008. She was a tender, sweet woman.  Even being as sick as she was, she reached out to the "new" girl and made me feel welcome. She leaves behind 3 beautiful boys and a loving husband. You can read all about her and her obituary at http://emilee-ellis.blogspot.com

I re- tore my Achilles last week. If I go by what my Doctor says, I am fine. If I go by pain, and a huge swollen foot that hurts so badly, I cry everyday...... yesterday all day.

My doctor refused to give me the radiologist report from an MRI I had done this week. I felt impressed to go and get a copy. Let's just say my doctor is an idiot. I have a lot of stuff going on in this darn foot of mine. I can't even put weight on it. I have paratendinitis, paratendinitis, an ankle joint effusion and a high grade partial recurrent tear to the achilles. The scar tissue is insane....I just keep thinking that things can only get better. I keep getting worse, and the depression from all this is getting deeper and deeper. Weight loss is like..low down on my list. I am just trying to get through my day without wanting to crawl into the fetal position from all the pain.

I have a picture collage of skinny/fat Christi on the back of my bathroom door with great thoughts and quotes to keep me going.  I don't know if I can do this.

~Christi

Had fun last night

Thought of the day:

You've got to say, I think that if I keep 

working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance. ~Lee Iacocca

I had fun last night getting to know a few of my BL friends. It was nice to be able to talk about the struggles we all face and ways to cope with issues.  After BL night, a few of the girls came back to my place and we chatted. I brought up my pictures from the past when I was at my biggest. I know what's it's like ladies, to be at the lowest of all lows. Tear were in my eyes as I contemplated the struggles I faced then are still with me NOW. I want to feel good about myself physically and emotionally. We also looked at the pictures when I was at my thinnest post kids.  I WANT THAT!!!  I want this:

Another week starts tomorrow, and another chance to get it right. I'm there sista's. Lets do it!

Organization, or lack thereof.

Thought of the day:

Habit is habit and not to be flung

out of the window by any man, but

coaxed downstairs a step at a time.~Mark Twain

So, I have been unpacking from our move in June. We have a ton of crap, and I had a realization last night. I like my house clean. Shock? It has been the most challenging 7 weeks of my life not being able to move smoothly throughout the house. It's been neglected..and it was a small disaster before this injury. I FEEL good when everything is in it's place. I DO better with making choices when I feel good.
Of course, with 5 children that is almost laughable..but it has to be done!

I have done SO good the last 3 days. I am proud of myself. I wanted to Congratulate our biggest losers last month, KARILYNN AND KATIE O! You guys are so awesome, and really are motivating! You go girls....and that means all of you!

It's gotta get better.

I am being positive today. I am going to make good choices. I want to be at the BL overnighter, and be proud of my accomplishments! I don't want to have regrets about what I could have done and didn't do. So, here is my pact. I will be in my goal jeans by June 5th. I will be comfortable in them, and not scare small children.:) Thanks guys...have a FABULOUS day. Make good choices!

Thought provoking questions.

Thought-Provoking Questions

If ghosts go through walls, why don’t they fall through the floor?

Why isn’t evaporated milk a gas?

Why was it that in all different cultures the men always used to come first and never the women?

When you feel down, why do people ask what’s up?

In horse racing, why do they award the rider and not the horse?

If insects are so obsessed with bright lights, why don’t they fly off to the sun?

What happens if you die in your dream?

Why do people more commonly skip breakfast than any other meal, considering that this is the time when the stomach is emptiest?

How are children supposed to take medicine if it’s meant to be kept out of their reach?

Why do people talk about ‘girlie’ things but never ‘boyie’ things?

If you sneezed on a computer, would it get a virus?

Can you dream of having a dream?

Why do we close doors and windows to reduce noise, considering that sound travels better through solids?

If Pinocchio said, “My nose is about to grow”, what would happen?

What did the designer of the drawing board go back to when his/her original design was a failure?

What sort of a vehicle did those huge 300kg tyres that are used in the World’s Strongest Man contests come off?

Why do we hang our clothes on a washing line and not a drying line?

Why do ‘a fat chance’ and ‘a slim chance’ mean the same thing?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Why are there seeds in seeded grapes, but no bones in a boned fillet?

When people go mental, why do they get physically violent?

Why do we never hear of people coming from ‘left west’ or ‘right east’?

What is an occasional table the rest of the time?

If you get a beer belly by drinking beer, do you get a pot belly by smoking pot?

Why is Friday 13th considered unlucky, considering that the Last Supper was on Thursday?

If you can enjoy yourself, why can’t you enjoy anyone else?

What would a burger of ham be called?

If dawn breaks, does dusk come together?

Why does ‘dyslexia’ have to be so hard to spell?

If you think you’re a hypochondriac, then are you one or not?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Does God believe that there are atheists?

Pay it forward

Melissa and Tammy did this, so here it goes.....

Here’s how it works–the first 4 people to leave a comment on this post will receive, at some point during the year, a handmade gift from me. What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise!

The catch is that you must participate as well–before you leave your comment here, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going. Then come back, let me know you’re going to play, and sit back and anticipate the arrival of your gift! Remember that only the first 4 comments will recieve a gift from me, so be quick!

Journaling

First off, I am still struggling. This time of year I always get depressed. I am pretty sure it's seasonal. But, when I get in this funk,I can't seem to pull out of it. I am still bummed about not being able to walk, and it has effected me in more ways than I could have imagined. I don't want the sympathy, and I am tired of being the " woe is it unto me" gal. Something in me is not being motivated, and I want to scream!
I saw a slide show of some pictures of me this last summer at a youth party with my oldest daughter yesterday. I started to cry. It was not me, but it was.

Barb asked about journaling. I have been horrible the last 2 weeks doing it. Basically, for me it is being accountable on paper for everything I put into my mouth. Even the bad stuff, I write down. It makes a huge difference with changing bad habit when you see it on paper, in black and white. I suggest trying it for a week. It is also great to have reference for following weeks to see what meals and snacks worked.

So, Here I am. It's been hard not having internet except for my blackberry application for facebook. I am going to try and do better, I promise.

YUM

Sugar free chocolate pudding. :) Need I say more?

Video of the Day

Struggling.

I want to give up. Trying to stay motivated is just not happening. I was good last week food journal wise. I went to Oregon this weekend to visit my BF, and didn't journal at all. While I was there, my front teeth were bugging me. I got home last night and cried all night long. I had a root canal done this morning. I want to think positively, but honestly I am burned out with all my stupid injuries, illness's and pain. I want to scream..LOUD!!!

I don't even know if my weigh in weight was correct. I cannot stand without assistance with this dang cast, so I have to lean on my crutches.I decided to not weigh in until I get this cast off either the end of this week, or the beginning of next.

I am DEBBIE DOWNER. I don't even like re-reading this, because I sound so pessimistic. Fresh start tomorrow. SWEAT and TEARS...Right?