Goodbye

My brother was over last night, and as we discussed love and life, the subject came up of past loves. A name was mentioned, and I was taken back again as I had been many times over the years.

I think it is human nature to wonder, challenge, and even have second thoughts about the what ifs. what if I had actually finished college? What if I had waited to get married, to have kids. What if I had married HIM......

Him. My first love. All of us have firsts. First kiss, first date, first broken heart. We have these experiences for growth, and lots of times, the end result can suck regardless. That, or we mature enough to move on. Yeah, That's it.

So why did I relive these particular memories? What was this hold 17 years after the fact ( Holy crap, I'm old.....)

Why did I still have all the letters and cards....pictures and journals up in my closet? I knew my husband didn't approve, but yet I held on, desperate to keep it all. I reasoned with myself, that they were apart of my life, my experiences. MY memories. A good part of my life.

Last night, as I was chatting with my brother, I had a realization. They were not MY memories, but the dreams and wishes and hopes of the " Other" guy. The guy that I am not married to, and not IN love with anymore ( although, I will always love what we HAD..does that make sense?)

I read the first letter on top, a letter from me, it was time. I had written to as why I had kept these items, and how I really should have had a cleansing burning of them years ago, but did not feel strong enough to do it. For the first time, I felt strong enough. I felt I needed to to be free of DMC. To move on freely, and LET GO. LET HIM GO CHRISTI. It's time.

So, I poured out the box off letter's into the fire pit, my baby brother beside me, reassuring without having to say a word. I poured the lighter fluid over the written words, the envelopes bearing my name, the ink dripping, I took a deep breath. My brother asked me if I was okay. I said yes. Was I really? I took the lighter, and flicked it on. I didn't hesitate at all then, lighting the corner of several letters. Whoosh....It all went up in flames. I watched the orange flames kick and roar up toward me. I folded my arms across my chest, as if to hold myself up. I shivered while the hot air from the fire licked my face. I took a metal stick and stirred it. 2+ years of letters furiously came to life, curling and fighting back. I saw a drawn heart leap forward, and I nearly reached in to pluck it out, but I refrained. I coddled and tended the fire until all that was left was charred paper. It was done.

As the embers died, I glanced toward my glowing house. Children giggled from inside, dishes waiting to be tended to. Bedtime was drawing near, and tucking and bedtime prayers would be needed.

My brother only needed to give me glance, and his eyes told me he was proud.

When my husband returned home, I took the top piece of the box that bore my first loves name. I took him to the fire pit, showed him the name, then laid it upon the black, withered paper. He looked at me, then down and only asked "Really?" Really, I said. I lit the corner of the name, and all was done. He took me into his arms, and nothing else was said. Without a glance back, he lovingly took my hand, and we walked forward.

Waxing of the brows

Since I am new to my area, I have run into a small predicament. It's time to get the brows waxed, and I don't know where to go. I know, this is a little personal. But, I must confess, I didn't even pluck, or wax them until I was 31. My sister Heather had always told me, no, begged me to get it done. For one thing, it wasn't THAT bad..I didn't have a uni brow or anything. They were a little bushy, but I argued the fact that they were really light colored, and wouldn't it hurt to have hot wax poured over them? She suggested plucking. Why not?.I bought some plucker thingies, and thought "No problem..." Proceed to brow. Grab hold of brow hair..PULL...HOLY CRAP! I was on fire.......after one hair! My eyes were stinging, and ears ringing. ( I am a baby!) And that concluded my eyebrow plucking experiment.
So, after that, hot wax didn't sound so bad. I tried it, looked better afterwards, and now I try and get it done at least 2 times a year ( I know it should be every 6 weeks, but again, I am a BABY, and claim my hair growth is really slow.!)
So, my quest is to find a place.Today. And become a new woman with a Popsicle stick and hot, melty wax!

I'm a front porcher

There is nothing like sitting on the porch steps, weather cooperative, and a banana Popsicle in hand ( and mouth..) I am glad we don't have porch furniture, because it would just take up space, and I would end with my backside on the concrete anyways. I am an observer. Observer of people, cars, plants, animals and sounds. I look at the lake...scratch Elvis kitty's chin, then lick my dripping cold treat. I occasionally glance down at the weird book I have been trying to get through, then lean in to check on my growing watemelon the size of softballs. I think " How darn cute are those watermelon, too bad I planted them too late..."

Cue in Motorcyle sounds. Hmm..red Kawasaki...guy wearing his helmet, good for him! Elvis rubs on my leg. Scratch his ear. purr......
Wind gently sways, and my chimes create a mosaic of sweet sounds. I can smell my roses. That house across the street is still for rent..asking too much. Crazy market. Dog barks, door slams. I need to make dinner. sigh. Don't want to move. Just want to sit here until, until. okay, I want to stay forever.....

Would you believe me....

If I told you that I have taken a picture a day...Minus the one day I had surgery? I won't bore you with all of them, cause they are boring. Yeah. They are.

I have a lot of stuff to update, but my other job of Mom is calling me now. I will do so in the morning. XOXOX

Christi

sigh

Sorry I have been MIA! I caught up the picture of the day. WHEW! I really ought to keep up with that!
I've been glued to the TV in the evenings for the Olympics. I love swimming and Gymnastics. When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be an Olympic gold swimmer. Of course, that was the year the Olympics were in Los Angeles, close to where I was living at the time. Big deal back then! ( Holy cripes, I AM old...)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1984_Summer_Olympics
I begged for months after to take swimming lessons....but alas it was not meant to be. I will never know if I had it in me......:) Ha, ha!
So, my hormones are all wacky, and I have been wiping a few tears watching these young un's work their buttocks off, and win.
Dang, I am tired peeps! I will write more tomorrow.
~ C

Pictures

Miss. " A "
August 14, 2008

My Miss. A's first day of 7th grade. I feel so very old. She is so very grown up!
August 15, 2008

Picture of the day

My Garden...anybody want some squash?
August 10, 2008

August 11, 2008

August 12, 2008
llama? Dunno, but I dig his hair on top. I really wanted to give him a mohawk!

Miss. A
August 13, 2008

Picture of the day

August 6, 2008
Rainbow above Lone Peak behind our house.

Our house at dusk.
August 7, 2008

Sun Rays
August 8, 2008

Elvis ( Poor li'l fella) and Bella. I'd better fix them soon, they are getting a little close......
August 9, 2008

August 4, 2008

Baby birds on our front porch

Picture of the day

Lake Powell
August 1, 2008

August 2, 2008
Trying out SIL Melissas cool camera lens....So jealous, I want it!

August 2, 2008 Bonus!
One of 3 fish I caught.....Poor little catfishy. I released them all.

August 3, 2008 On our way home.

Picture of the day X 4

July 29, 2008
Laney did my hair. Pretty Ain't it?

My flowering tomato plant.
July 30, 2007

July 31, 2008
Nice sign in Kanab, Utah. The Freashest Sandwitches...hehehehe

IT

Saturday night I was playing with our kitty Lilly. She is the cutest thing ever. Black and fuzzy. We have had her a month, and she's about 3 months old. We got her from a neighbor, who said she was a girl. I didn't want any male cats. ( No offense gentleman, but male cats.....) So, I'm messing around with Lilly, and happen to notice a nice package underneath. I look. I look again. I start to second guess what I am seeing. Maybe I just don't know what a boy cat versus girl cat area looks like. So I look at our other kitty Bella...and I am pretty sure " Lilly" has some goods Bella doesn't own. Poor Lilly is a boy. Hopefully the poor cat won't have a complex about his name the last several weeks. After placing names in a bowl, the first pick out was Elvis. Elvis it is. Other names in the running: Jethro ( My pick, dang it all) Chauncy, Willy, Pussy ( yes, real names put into bowl by 4 and 5 year olds....) Jacob, Booger, and my all time favorite. Keith.

Driving down Memory Lane

I just moved to an area not far from where I went to school from grades 7-9Th. My old stomping grounds are literally up the street. This morning I went for a drive down those old familiar streets. It was eerie seeing where my best friend at the time Tonya used to live. Still yellow. Still looks like crap. At least they added a fence. Too bad it's chain link so you can still see the house.

I drove by the *Smith's place ( *Not their real last name...:):):) Then right across from there is the boy that made me play Debbie Gibson over and over. His name was/is *Ashley. (* yes, his REAL name..) Made me remember his obsession to Michael Jackson before the whole burning nose incident.

Next door to Ashley is the girl I almost beat the living daylights out of. ( We shall call her Nicole, and make you wonder if in fact it was/is her real name.) I went to her door in fight stance and her dad answered the door,asking if I had come to play with " Nicole". So, I was stunned for a minute, and thought..." well, technically, you could consider what I wanted to do to her face playing...... But instead, I slowly nodded no, and walked away. Sucker.

A bit more down the road are the Roberts. Still there after noting name on the mailbox. Good old Roberts. How I despised Kelly, and wanted her to look like Michael Jackson after his nose incident. She was holier than thou, and her smirk made you want to slap if off regularly. But then there was her older brother who was my first kiss at 13 ( he was 16...... male slut, so was the rumor..) on my back deck, under a blue sleeping bag with sprinklers for our sound effects, and the big dipper as our witness.

There are new homes too, and our old place looks just as it did. Same sky, same dreams still in my head as back then. Maybe someday I can move forward with a few......

Batman

Batman, feeling the crunch of gas prices.........

Saw Batman movie the other night, and I actually liked it. I am not a huge follower of comic story lines, but of course there was this sick persuasion of it being Heath Ledgers last movie...even though I have watched only a couple other movies with him in it. I thought he was brilliant as the joker. It was good.( Even disliking Maggie what's her butt..She bugs me....get some cream for those eyes sweetie.....) Christian Bale was nice eye candy too......

Deeper thoughts

I have decided that I want to keep this blog for me.....not about my children, or their crazy happenings. I have a family one for that. On here, I am not going to hold back, or apologize for my imperfections..I am just going to let loose. So, if there are grammar police in my midst....SUCK IT UP!

So, a few months back I came across a cool website. This guy named Jamie Livingston, took a picture a day for 18 years. From March 31, 1979 to the day of his death on October 25, 1997 . I thought it was a tremendous effort on his part. I have been thinking about it for months now, and have decided to give it a try. For those that know me well, I am not the most, how shall I put this..UM, Okay. I don't follow through with things that are not pressing. ( Like dishes...and stupid laundry.) So, this will be a challenge for me. I think I am going to try at least. To see Jamie's Pictures, go to http://photooftheday.hughcrawford.com/

And here is my picture of the day with added bonus of what I was in the car doing;

Photo A day July 24, 2008

We went on the Alpine Loop today, and it was gorgeous. The alpine loop is this wonderful corridor through the mountains, with beautiful forests of twinkling alpine trees. All those pictures were blurry ( Of course ) but the view was spectacular.

Just a song?

On our way to the Colbie Calliet/John Mayer concert last night, I got into a great conversation about music with my SIL Melissa and Sister Holly.
We were listening to my Colbie CD, and Bubbly came on. I explained to them that when I had first found this musician on myspace, I had listened to that particular song over and over. I just loved it. While listening, was also reading blogs and what not. I found out an old friend had lost their baby boy. So, as this sweet song played, I read about anguish and loss...and my heart was breaking. The fact is, that no matter what, when I hear this song, it takes me back to the loss of this baby, to the feelings of sadness and loss for the parents.

I guess music is like that for me. I can be taken back to 1989 with only the first bar of
Lost in Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson. That was the song I connect to my first broken heart at the tender age of 14. Sitting on my bed in the dark, hugging a pillow to my heart, dreaming of that cool guy that would never in a million years notice little old me, and crying as I push rewind on my tape of Miss Debbie and getting lost....

Or perhaps it's hearing Teen Spirit by Nirvana and being whisked back to my Senior year in High school with the windows rolled down in a 1979 Cutlass Supreme, head banging down state street in Orem.....

Or maybe remembering that first sweet kiss of my first love to Vanessa Williams on Squaw peak. Even now, when that plays over the grocery store intercom system, Every emotion, taste, & smell invades me, and I am there once again like it was yesterday.

Just a song to many, I'm sure. But music is just as much a part of me as eating and sleeping. Every song IS a memory, a sort of journal that I can reach back and pluck something from. The year, the feelings, the insecurities, the pure joy...anger, frustration.... all rush back. It's good to remember. Keeps us moving forward, waiting to hear the next memory.

K..Need to start this up again

I will begin with a tag from Melissa!


Five jobs I have had in my life:

Manager at Taco Bell
Merry Maid
Cashier at Reams
Newborn Photographer @ Hospital
Photo Developer @ Walgreens

Five movies I've watched more than once:
Steel Magnolias
Beaches
Don't know!
Not a huge
Movie
Person.

Five Places I have lived:

Minot, North Dakota
Huntington Beach, California
Salem/Keizer Oregon
Arvada Colorado
Memphis, TN

Five places I have been:

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Maui, Hawaii
New York City
Calgary, Canada
Atlanta, Georgia

Five people who email me on a regular basis


Kari
Gianetta
Melissa
Nathan
Julie

Five of my favorite foods:
Mexican
Chinese
Arby's French Dip
Toxic Smell
Roma tomatoes, avocados, & feta cheese

Five places I would rather be right now:
In bed
Hawaii
Taking a bath
Hanging out with Melissa, Holly & Carrie
With friends/family

Five friends who I will tag:
Kari
Carrie
Holly
Julie
Della

Five things I am looking forward to this year:

New House
Lake Powell
Summer BBQs
Date nights
Losing my weight!

Five TV shows I watch: ( or want to watch?)

Without a Trace
CSI
Medium
Cold Case
No kid shows!!

Wow...over a year

Hello Readers!
I can't believe a year has gone by since I have blogged on here! Whew! A lot has happened, but I won't bore you to tears by sharing it all with you. Biggest event...I moved. Yeepers. I am back home. Snow capped mountains. Bad drivers. ahhhhh, the good life!

I just wanted you all to know I am going to try and catch up on here. Keep checking back!
~~~Christi~~~

It's almost been a week, I'm healing....

Tomorrow will mark a week since my surgery. I am healing nicely. I am sore and bruised from the incisions, and still really tired. My tummy is still swollen too. But, that pain on my right side is GONE! Whoohoo!!!
So, the diagnosis. The cyst on my ovary was pea size by surgery date, so he left it alone. I was correct in where my pain was coming from. Everything else was FINE! The uterosacral ligaments that attach the uterus was where the pain was originating from. On the right ligament there were 5 " Cysts" with their own nerve endings. They are not supposed to be there. That was why I was in so much pain. I am just so happy it was something that could be fixed. Although, they are likely to grow back again at some point. Could be 3 years, or 3 months ( Hoping for years..) He was able to burn them off. There were a couple on the left side, so they are gone as well.
My Mom was able to come on short notice, and I was happy to have her here. I was able to sleep and rest. She made lots of yummy meals and treats.
Sorry this is short. I just thought I would give you all an update. I will hopefully be back online soon.
ChristinaMaria

Health Stuff

I went to the Dr. again yesterday. I am feeling very discouraged with my body right now. This year I have been through more health problems than I would ever care to have again.
I went back in because the pain I have experienced since July ( The same pain that had me end up in the ER in UT thinking I was having a appendicitis.) has gotten worse. The Dr. was hoping after this last surgery that it would go away. It has not. Even with the pain there, and the discomfort and tears, I have delayed getting back to the doctor. I have felt more like a burden to my family this year than a help. I sat on that all familiar fake leathered, slick, brown table covered with flowered paper at the Dr's office, and had unwanted tears falling down my face. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?" I screamed this in my head, as the paper under me shifted, and it made that crunching sound.
Dr. Worthan went through the scenarios. It could be that cyst from August, could be endometrios, could, could, could.....BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean, come on. I played the "could" game already at home typing my symptoms into Google. Who's the Dr? Who gets paid the big bucks? After 3, almost 4 months, surely the good doctor might have an idea?
So, I get another Ultrasound. If it is an Endometrioma Cyst, than he can treat it with a shot of something that puts me into " fake" menopause. Great fun. If the cyst is gone, then that narrows the playing field for where the pain is originating. If the cyst is bigger, than surgery will be required, and depending on what he finds during surgery, I might lose my ovary and uterus, or I could feel like a million bucks because the pain would be GONE.
Ultrasound findings are that the cyst is significantly larger ( I don't know how big that actually is though) and it is NOT an Endometrioma Cyst. So, he wants me scheduled for next week for surgery. Tuesday it is. Another burdensomeness mess for everyone.Finding childcare, knowing that I can't lift my toddlers for a week or so. I just feel like I am an inconvenience for everyone involved. This is short notice.
I just want to feel better,ya know? I don't want to feel like I am in labor( That's what the pain feels like, early labor all day.) Done complaining:)

I know that compared to dear friends, my maladies are like kiddy candy. I just found out last week that my dear friend Paula, a friend that I have know for 4+ years, had our last 2 kids within weeks of each other is fighting for her life. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when her littlest baby was an infant( He is 2.5 now) She beat it, had radical mascectamy to be safe. She went in for a routine scan, and found that metastatic breast cancer that has traveled either through her blood or lymph nodes to her liver. They see five tumors in her liver right now.She also got more bad news yesterday. It is in her bones. Her back had been bugging her for a while. It's in her spine.
I want to scream. I am aching for her. I am crying and praying for her. She is fighting. She wants to see her babies grow up. She is only a few years older than me. I will write more on this later. I can't write anymore.
ChristinaMaria